My final video edit...

PCS evaluation

It’s strange writing this evaluation before installing my work, it means this is more of an evaluation of the journey and process I’ve been through than the final outcome.  I like that.

I think the final evaluation of my sculpture/installation should be in the response of those who view it.  I can look at my final piece and evaluate how well I met my aims or how it feels in my opinion; but what’s important for me is whether it communicates to, provokes or gives pleasure to others.

What’s been most interesting about this process has been how my own psychology and physical limitations have interfered in my work, determining which direction I took.  I started out full of ideas, energy and with a determination to capture a sense of freedom.  I thought my main focus would be on producing a film when in fact the film became much less important than the space and the sculpture itself.  Partly, this relegation of the film was through practical roadblocks like the malfunction of my Super 8 camera; partly, it was my health ruling out the travelling and complications of pursuing some of my other film ideas. 

These are all things I was able to document in my online blog about the journey as it was happening.  For me, an online blog made sense; my artwork is informed and shaped by my thinking and experiences, writing is how I explore these; through writing (and reading) my work takes shape and ideas become concrete.  I completed 20 entries since 21^st March 2012, a mixture of ideas, ruminations, video experiments, interviews, plans and photographs. It has been fascinating reading back through my own words; it has triggered little realisations and thoughts about my work.

One of those realisations comes from the very start of my blog when I wrote a piece based on my original statement of intent called ‘what’s it about?’ In it I said “I will be exploring these issues in relation to myself, my body, and my surroundings.  I will think about questions of sexism, the bonds of expectation and what a woman ‘should’ be or ‘should’ do.” This was more prophetic than I realised at the time, what started as a somewhat abstract idea became painfully real to me; this work has become all about me, my body and my relationship to physical surroundings – how I navigate the stormy waters of degenerating health and the accompanying depression, how I can make my ideas reality within my limitations and my anger at having to do so.  I don’t know if it makes my work stronger or weaker, it just is what it is; attempting to ignore my physical limitations and depression in my work would be like trying to ignore the elephant sitting on my chest.

I attended many exhibitions and considered many artists in the course of this work but I think that three come through strongly in my final piece.  Firstly, Josiah McElheny’s exhibition at the Whitechapel was clearly what solidified and gave direction to my desire to project onto something more than a flat white wall.  It was his wood frames, constructed at angles and combining with mirrors which endlessly refracted the films being projected which inspired me to create my ‘moveable projection screen sculpture’.  This was at a point when I did not know the space I would be in and wanted something that could fit in any space in many different configurations. 

Secondly Bill Violas ‘Five Angels’ can be seen in my fascination for underwater filming and editing.  I went through in my blog why my fascination with water and desire to use it in this piece.  As I’m writing this now I have yet to edit the raw footage I captured of me underwater in my bath.  I’m slightly nervous as to how it turns out because I have no fall back plan or at least only the shadow of a fall back plan. 

Finally I have to mention Tracey Emin in relation to my patchwork carpet; when I came up with the idea I was very aware the image that flashed into my mind was of Emin’s needlework blankets.  When I saw her retrospective at the Hayward Gallery I really didn’t enjoy her collection of blankets, it wasn’t until I had done further research into the feminism/craft/art relationship that I started to appreciate them.  I wanted my carpet fragments to be roughly sewn together with large slashes of violent red, disrupting the ‘comforting’ nature of carpet; I was aware of these red slashes hinting at self-harm, though I think that would be a reference only those who had experienced self-harm might see. 

At one point early on I wrote “my worst nightmare is being trapped in one of those little corner spaces squeezed into the limited space that we have here in the college for our exhibition”, as it happened I ended up wanting to be squeezed into a space.  I wanted those viewing my work to experience a sense of the physical limitation I feel all the time.  I did worry somewhat that instead of an expansive and uplifting experience, I would be subjecting people to something that was not either visually interesting or obviously meaningful.  I hope that when I install my work I will resolve that worry.

I should mention the aspect of my installation that I am least certain will technically work on installation day.  I plan to use an old camcorder hooked up to an old TV monitor.  The camera will either be facing the projection or facing outwards, towards the viewer.  What is captured will be transmitted to my TV on a plinth outside the space.  I’m determined to make this work somehow as I love the idea of ‘me, watching you, watching me’ of the viewer becoming a part of the work.  The other option is the TV monitor outside will show what those who manage to get into the space will be seeing, the projection.  I’m aware that not everyone will be able to crouch down and enter the space to watch the projection, in a sense that’s part of my point, it’s about disability, ability, exclusion and inclusion.

I had to resolve and overcome countless difficulties with my materials and process throughout my work; from realising that I was not physically capable of cutting the wood I needed (my solution was to buy my wood pre-cut) to my non-functioning Super 8 camera (necessitating a change in direction).  I have had and rejected many ideas, from my lip hair fascination to my wedding dress diversion.  I have had the absolute highs of being accepted on the BA Sculpture course at Camberwell to the absolute lows of not knowing how I could possibly be on that course given my health.  It has been a difficult journey but one I am proud of even if everything falls apart on installation day; I know that even if it does I am capable of solving whatever is thrown at me.

  

Thank you and goodnight.

sketching the space

I did an extremely rough sketch of how my piece fits into the space, its for logistical purposes rather than aesthetics!

I have emailed to all the technicians along with my plinth  & tech requirements... in the closing straits now!

Why a patchwork carpet??

I’ve been reading a lot about feminism and art and have been interested in how the feminist movement brought to light the unseen art of so many women, art that was classified as less than ‘real’ fine art and consigned to a dustbin marked ‘craft’.

Women’s artistic production has been historically undervalued and devalued, incredibly intricate work filled with symbolism and meaning would never reach ‘gallery’ status.  Quilting and needlework more generally was one of these areas consigned to ‘less than’ status.

I wanted to put something in the space that made it clear people were invited to bend down and enter the space under the stairs – I didn’t want to have to put a sign up asking people to come in (far too welcoming) or have to hang about my work all night asking people to go in!

It struck me that a carpet would be inviting, but I also wanted to follow through with the dis-jointed, broken up theme which has run throughout the piece.  That’s when I remembered what I’ve been reading about feminism, art, needlework, quilting and thought why not use that and make a patchwork carpet.  This would be sufficiently broken up and visually disturbing to fit with my theme, but also invite people into the space.

Sourcing the carpet was tricky given my health, I placed an advert on Freecycle and then trekked to the two people who got back to me – one was a real find, lots of purple and lilac carpet (I was worried all I’d get was beige), the other I’m not sure I’ll use as its nasty browns and has seen better days.  I also went to my local carpet shop and was offered a stack of carpet samples to take away; these were great colours and quality.

I wish my health was up to going to some more carpet shops so i could get a greater variety of colour and pattern, but I’m just keeping my head above water and lots of travelling around, walking and carrying heavy things just isn’t possible at the moment.

Here’s my Freecycle advert…

Physical limitation leads to new direction

When I started this process I was focused on the positive feelings of freedom; uplifting feel-good stuff.  I wanted my work to reflect that feeling; I wanted it to feel like taking a breath by the sea on a beautiful windswept day, like bursting out of the water, like all constraints have lifted.  This was my direction, where my head was at. 

As the months have gone on my feelings have become much darker, much more focused on the restrained, the confined, the tortured and the pained.  This is in direct relation to my physical health, I’ve being going through a real change in how my Sarcoidosis affects me; it used to be I’d have one flare up a year, it would be hell for a couple of months but then I’d be just fine for months before another flare up. Living with the flare ups was made so much easier by the knowledge that there would be an end, that I would feel better.  Since December 2011 my illness has taken a turn for the worse in that I was getting constant low level symptoms with no let up.  Steroids helped but left me open to constant infections and massive weight gain, so in March I started to reduce the steroids to the most minimum level and started taking a new drug - Hydroxychloroquine.

Since March I have been feeling progressively worse and worse, the physical pain and bone crunching fatigue were never ending, I couldn’t see an end point and started to become severely depressed.  Trying to make my wooden screens led to floods of tears as my joints could not stand up to repetitive sawing; the fatigue was so bad that considering the mountain of work I had ahead of me was daunting; I had to scrap lots of my filming ideas because they involved too much travelling and movement, something that would knock me out for days afterwards - alongside all of this I am trying to maintain my job.

My depression got so bad that every time someone would make the innocent inquiry ‘how are you? I would burst in to tears.  I couldn’t conceive how on earth I would be able to do a Fine Art sculpture course while feeling so awful and so physically incapable.

At a certain point I thought to myself it’s crazy to try and continue on this project as if nothing was happening, sticking to my plan.  I decided that I wanted the viewer to experience some of the physical restriction I faced; I wanted them not to feel uplifted but uncomfortable and uneasy. I was going to use my misery and depression rather than fight against it!  That’s how I came up with the idea of using the space under the stairs; it is accessible for some though most will have to physically contort slightly to go inside.  Others may not be able to access it at all, for them there will be a monitor on a plinth showing the projection.

I know it’s a big change in direction but I think it’s still relevant to the theme.  For me, freedom right now would be being healthy, being physically capable of doing everything I wanted to do - in reality I am constrained and limited by my physical health yet I still yearn to breathe free.

These are some of my darker sketchbook doodles...

Deciding against 'The Dress'

I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not to use the wedding dress in my final piece.  Visually, I love the effect produced by projecting onto the dress but I can’t think of a way of using the dress in this piece that makes sense.

The biggest problem is the ambiguity of meaning and symbolism to different people - while I like this and would like to use it at some other time, it just doesn’t fit with what I am exploring in this piece.  ‘Yearning to breathe free’ is pretty unambiguous and I think that throwing a wedding dress into the mix might just confuse and complicate what I’m trying to achieve this time round.

1st May... panic sets in

Its been a while since I last posted, I have two blog entries in progress, one about the Gillian Wearing exhibition, the other ideas on finishes for my wood structure.

Ive been unwell, bogged down with sarcoid fatigue and pain, I managed yesterday to spend some time in the workshop making some rough cuts for my screens, it was hard on me health wise and left me a bit panicked about what I could or could not achieve in the time left.  I have to make 16 boxes, even if I go to the workshop on both Mondays and Wednesdays between now and the end of May I think I'd be hard pressed to get it done.

Ive taken the wood I cut home so I can see whats possible; if I were to cut all the wood at college - could I construct it at home?

I was part of a study the other day where we were looking at Engles 'The Family, Private Property & The State', it got me thinking on my wedding dress and the history of women as property expressed through the continued tradition of bride prices or dowry's - Ive decided this is something I should look into more, will keep you updatedE

Lots of ideas, so little time.