PCS evaluation

It’s strange writing this evaluation before installing my work, it means this is more of an evaluation of the journey and process I’ve been through than the final outcome.  I like that.

I think the final evaluation of my sculpture/installation should be in the response of those who view it.  I can look at my final piece and evaluate how well I met my aims or how it feels in my opinion; but what’s important for me is whether it communicates to, provokes or gives pleasure to others.

What’s been most interesting about this process has been how my own psychology and physical limitations have interfered in my work, determining which direction I took.  I started out full of ideas, energy and with a determination to capture a sense of freedom.  I thought my main focus would be on producing a film when in fact the film became much less important than the space and the sculpture itself.  Partly, this relegation of the film was through practical roadblocks like the malfunction of my Super 8 camera; partly, it was my health ruling out the travelling and complications of pursuing some of my other film ideas. 

These are all things I was able to document in my online blog about the journey as it was happening.  For me, an online blog made sense; my artwork is informed and shaped by my thinking and experiences, writing is how I explore these; through writing (and reading) my work takes shape and ideas become concrete.  I completed 20 entries since 21^st March 2012, a mixture of ideas, ruminations, video experiments, interviews, plans and photographs. It has been fascinating reading back through my own words; it has triggered little realisations and thoughts about my work.

One of those realisations comes from the very start of my blog when I wrote a piece based on my original statement of intent called ‘what’s it about?’ In it I said “I will be exploring these issues in relation to myself, my body, and my surroundings.  I will think about questions of sexism, the bonds of expectation and what a woman ‘should’ be or ‘should’ do.” This was more prophetic than I realised at the time, what started as a somewhat abstract idea became painfully real to me; this work has become all about me, my body and my relationship to physical surroundings – how I navigate the stormy waters of degenerating health and the accompanying depression, how I can make my ideas reality within my limitations and my anger at having to do so.  I don’t know if it makes my work stronger or weaker, it just is what it is; attempting to ignore my physical limitations and depression in my work would be like trying to ignore the elephant sitting on my chest.

I attended many exhibitions and considered many artists in the course of this work but I think that three come through strongly in my final piece.  Firstly, Josiah McElheny’s exhibition at the Whitechapel was clearly what solidified and gave direction to my desire to project onto something more than a flat white wall.  It was his wood frames, constructed at angles and combining with mirrors which endlessly refracted the films being projected which inspired me to create my ‘moveable projection screen sculpture’.  This was at a point when I did not know the space I would be in and wanted something that could fit in any space in many different configurations. 

Secondly Bill Violas ‘Five Angels’ can be seen in my fascination for underwater filming and editing.  I went through in my blog why my fascination with water and desire to use it in this piece.  As I’m writing this now I have yet to edit the raw footage I captured of me underwater in my bath.  I’m slightly nervous as to how it turns out because I have no fall back plan or at least only the shadow of a fall back plan. 

Finally I have to mention Tracey Emin in relation to my patchwork carpet; when I came up with the idea I was very aware the image that flashed into my mind was of Emin’s needlework blankets.  When I saw her retrospective at the Hayward Gallery I really didn’t enjoy her collection of blankets, it wasn’t until I had done further research into the feminism/craft/art relationship that I started to appreciate them.  I wanted my carpet fragments to be roughly sewn together with large slashes of violent red, disrupting the ‘comforting’ nature of carpet; I was aware of these red slashes hinting at self-harm, though I think that would be a reference only those who had experienced self-harm might see. 

At one point early on I wrote “my worst nightmare is being trapped in one of those little corner spaces squeezed into the limited space that we have here in the college for our exhibition”, as it happened I ended up wanting to be squeezed into a space.  I wanted those viewing my work to experience a sense of the physical limitation I feel all the time.  I did worry somewhat that instead of an expansive and uplifting experience, I would be subjecting people to something that was not either visually interesting or obviously meaningful.  I hope that when I install my work I will resolve that worry.

I should mention the aspect of my installation that I am least certain will technically work on installation day.  I plan to use an old camcorder hooked up to an old TV monitor.  The camera will either be facing the projection or facing outwards, towards the viewer.  What is captured will be transmitted to my TV on a plinth outside the space.  I’m determined to make this work somehow as I love the idea of ‘me, watching you, watching me’ of the viewer becoming a part of the work.  The other option is the TV monitor outside will show what those who manage to get into the space will be seeing, the projection.  I’m aware that not everyone will be able to crouch down and enter the space to watch the projection, in a sense that’s part of my point, it’s about disability, ability, exclusion and inclusion.

I had to resolve and overcome countless difficulties with my materials and process throughout my work; from realising that I was not physically capable of cutting the wood I needed (my solution was to buy my wood pre-cut) to my non-functioning Super 8 camera (necessitating a change in direction).  I have had and rejected many ideas, from my lip hair fascination to my wedding dress diversion.  I have had the absolute highs of being accepted on the BA Sculpture course at Camberwell to the absolute lows of not knowing how I could possibly be on that course given my health.  It has been a difficult journey but one I am proud of even if everything falls apart on installation day; I know that even if it does I am capable of solving whatever is thrown at me.

  

Thank you and goodnight.